I Thought I Loved Myself – Until My Relationship Showed Me the Truth

You hear it everywhere today: you have to love yourself first before you can truly love someone else. This is also the foundation for a harmonious and healthy relationship. But what does that actually mean? In this article, I want to share my own experience with you – as a woman and as a relationship coach.

How It All Began

My journey into personal growth started at the end of 2019, and at some point the word self-love crossed my path. Back then, I was extremely insecure and anxious. I had always had a slim figure, medium-length brown hair, always cared about my appearance, and most people would probably have called me attractive. But inside, I never felt that way.

Looking back, I always needed validation from the outside. If 100 people told me I was beautiful, I looked for the 101st. And so on. An endless loop. Back then, I wasn't even aware of it. I just lived my life without questioning it.

It was only when I started dancing that I had a direct comparison. I saw how other women moved, how they danced and performed – and their presence suddenly made me completely insecure. This showed up in me in an extreme way, and I didn't even know what was happening to me. I didn't recognize myself.

Through an acquaintance – today a very close friend – I found my way into personal development, and at some point into the topic of self-love and self-worth. I was so drawn to the subject that I spent days and nights reading about it. And I discovered so many parallels in myself: on the outside, I presented myself as strong, but inside, I didn't feel that way. There was an emptiness in me that I tried to fill with external things.

Once, someone asked me: Do you find yourself beautiful and attractive? That question triggered me deeply. I couldn't confidently say yes. I froze.

At the time, I was single. My last relationship had ended badly and really hurt me. I wanted to live my own life first, after being in relationships almost without a break. I had no idea what it meant to live as a single woman and actually enjoy life. And when I started dancing, it brought me so much joy that I wanted to focus on that first.

That's exactly when my inner issues surfaced. At first, I wanted to work through them before jumping into another relationship while still unstable. Today I'm grateful for how everything turned out. But back then, my self-worth was on the floor. I had no interest in a relationship for a long time. Dancing, and comparing myself to other women, simply brought to light what I had suppressed for so long.

The Way Back to Myself

Okay, but what do you do with this awareness, this realization? You can't just snap your fingers and suddenly have more self-worth and love yourself.

There are, of course, different approaches. I tried many myself, and the ones I still believe in today, I pass on to my clients in coaching. Most of them are women working through these same inner issues. I coach men too, but with them, self-love is less often the topic.

I kept saying to myself, over and over, into my own reflection: "I love you."

What helped me at first, before I went deeper into my emotional wounds, were simple mirror exercises and affirmations. Back then, I did a 21-day course by Louise Hay. Every day, you look in the mirror and say loving things to yourself, like: "Starting today, I'm learning to truly love you."

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Even if you don't fully feel or believe it at first, saying these words to your own reflection does something to your brain. In that moment, your brain can't tell whether it's true or not. It just hears the words, over and over. At the start, it feels like "fake it till you make it" – and yes, it sounds strange and feels strange too. But if you stick with it, small miracles happen, along with a beautiful transformation.

At some point, I started crying while saying these sentences to myself. I cried because behind the facade was a small, sad, wounded Marianne, who hadn't received enough love in her childhood. I want to emphasize here that inner child work is an important part of this. We all carry our wounded inner child with us.

Forgiveness Is Part of the Inner Work

Something else that matters a lot to me: forgiveness work. Because we carry wounded inner children who wished for something different growing up, we often carry these wounds into adulthood – and blame our parents for them. I did too. I was so hurt that for a long time I silently blamed my parents. This is exactly where forgiveness work comes in. Even if not everything was good, it's an important part of inner work to acknowledge these experiences, forgive, and let go.

I practiced this mirror exercise for days, with different affirmations that felt right for me. At some point, I noticed it was really working. I started to feel it and believe it. I wasn't as focused on other women anymore – I was more with myself, comparing myself to myself instead. The changes on the outside showed up quickly.

But I have to say: this inner work is challenging. You're confronted with your own pain. I cried a lot, let it happen, and didn't push it down. Sometimes I was also very alone – not lonely, but alone. Together with my inner child, to whom I then gave so much love. Eventually, it got better. Accepting and acknowledging that is important. And only then do you also see real change on the outside.

A Relapse into Old Patterns

At some point, I started dating again. Now I could say: I'm a great woman, and any man would be lucky to have me by his side. I truly believe every woman should think this way about herself. If you're a woman reading this: I hope you think and believe the same about yourself. This is also an important part of my work when I coach women who want a relationship, or who are already in one. It's incredibly important not to lose yourself again inside a relationship.

When I started a new relationship, I could see myself falling back into my old pattern. I didn't realize it right away, but after about a year in the relationship, I dug out my old mirror course again. What led me back to it? I noticed that my self-worth once again depended on my boyfriend's approval. I started doubting myself heavily as a woman.

It was also a very difficult time in that relationship. We had a lot of conflicts, and I tried, unsuccessfully, to resolve them constructively with my partner at the time. He didn't want to, wasn't ready to, or simply couldn't. So these issues kept standing between us, which made me feel even more insecure and hurt. The lack of love and emotional closeness in the relationship also chipped away at my self-worth. My insecurity and self-doubt kept growing. Since I couldn't force my partner to change, I decided to work on my own insecurities instead. Because that was the only place I actually had control: how I reacted to the situation, our conflicts, and his behavior.

On top of that, I had lost my main job and decided to build my coaching business full-time. But I didn't have enough clients yet to live off it. So here too, I faced a big challenge: not letting the lack of outside validation distract me, and still seeing myself as a good, valuable coach.

When the Honeymoon Phase Ends

What made it even harder: in the early stage of a relationship, you automatically get and give a lot more attention. You're in the so-called honeymoon phase, the classic falling-in-love stage. That changes over time. You start to see your partner's rough edges, the first conflicts appear. You're emotionally deeper in the relationship, and you get triggered more easily.

I also noticed: when you're someone who actively works on yourself, you experience these conflicts and triggers differently. It can even spiral into a negative loop – you notice you're triggered, you feel your wounds and fears, and you immediately want to fix and optimize everything. I didn't always experience that as a good thing. That, too, can go to extremes.

Once our relationship was no longer in the honeymoon phase, things became uncomfortable for me. The strong validation started fading, little by little. And because we had more conflicts at the same time, I had to accept more of the reality: that my partner also had these sides – and I had to ask myself whether I could accept that. This can also lead to withdrawing sometimes, just to think things through.

I don't want to say that withdrawing is always healthy. But I do think that in heated moments, or moments of doubt, it's normal to give yourself some space to sort out your thoughts. What matters is that this space is actually used to sort your thoughts, and doesn't turn into emotional distance from your partner. My advice here is to communicate openly with your partner about it. And above all: to find a time to come back together again.

You also hear, again and again, that it's normal to have doubts sometimes. Luckily, I always had great coaches who told me: "That's normal." I used to think something must be wrong with me, or with my relationship. The world, and social media, often paint a picture of the perfect relationship – one where you never doubt anything and everything runs smoothly. That might exist, but it shouldn't be your reference point for a happy, successful relationship. According to some of the best-known relationship experts and researchers – John Gottman, Esther Perel, and Stefanie Stahl, to name a few – most couples experience doubt and conflict. Successful couples just handle it differently. That's my reference point.

Old Pattern and Inner Wounds Come Back – And That's Okay

That's also the reality of inner work and personal growth. You might think that once you've worked through something, it never comes up again. Unfortunately, that's not true. It can come back – not as intense or painful, but on a different level.

Today, I notice it faster, I can react and correct course faster. I can refocus on myself and do the work more quickly. I can also talk to my partner more openly about what's going on inside me, and why I might be acting strange – because it's strange for him too, since he doesn't know what's happening inside me. I can say, on my own, that I need more time for myself to work on it. That takes the pressure off him – and can inspire him at the same time. So I don't see it as a setback, but as an expansion, a different kind of depth.

With dancing, this never really happened the way it did in my relationship. When I started learning a new dance style and was a beginner again, I noticed I didn't focus much on how good other people were. Yes, I was a beginner and knew less than most people there – but I still felt good while dancing. Because of my inner work, I knew: it's not always about technique and steps, it's about the emotional connection between the dancers and how much fun they have together. And that's exactly what I had, even with experienced dancers.

If a dancer didn't want to dance with me because I lacked technique, or couldn't do certain things well yet – I simply didn't mind. Because in dance, something else mattered more to me than perfect technique and steps. I chose the dancers who had fun with me and wanted to dance with me – because of me, not because of my perfect technique.

In a relationship, I'm more emotionally invested – and more vulnerable

In my relationship, this was harder for me. That's because I was much more emotionally invested there than when dancing with a stranger. My partner could naturally hurt me much more deeply than a stranger on the dance floor. And I've come to see that as a real gift too: I can only be hurt that deeply, first, because it matters so much to me – and second, because I have a very open heart. A heart that open is vulnerable. But that same heart is also incredibly big, full of light and love for other people. And I can only give that love outward if I treat this heart, and myself, well – if I give myself that same love and attention. Only then can I truly give a lot to others – whether in my relationship, in my work as a relationship coach, as a daughter, sister, aunt, or friend.

For You

I invite you now to do this mirror exercise together with me: go to a mirror, look into your own eyes, and say to yourself:

"I'm learning to love you again. I'm giving my best to love you and love your light. You are beautiful. I am so proud of you. I love you."

Feel free to leave a comment below this post or send me a message on Instagram @danceofrelationship and let me know how you liked this article and what you're taking away from it.

Keep loving, keep dancing!

With love, Marianne